Motherhood

Happy Mother's Day!

Even though I'm not living the life I expected, it's God's good and perfect plan for me. At times, I still get tired, overwhelmed and frustrated by my lot in life, but I'm still blessed. I'm especially thankful for the blessing of my sons. It's amazing to observe glimpses of me and flashes of Kent in each of them. They encourage me to persevere through life while making it interesting and fun. They truly are gifts from God!

A Life Interrupted

Sometimes, I feel like my life has been interrupted, so I went to Priscilla Shirer's Life Interrupted Simulcast this weekend. Her message is based on the Prophet Jonah, because she says, like him, we tend to run - maybe mentally and emotionally instead of physically - when our lives are interrupted with something unexpected. If this simulcast comes to your area, you should go to it. It's so encouraging! There's also a book, Life Interrupted: Navigating the Unexpected, and even a Bible study, Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted. Check them out!

Valentine's Day

I keep this note in my Bible. A close friend of many years mailed it to me last year in remembrance of Kent. It was postmarked February 13th, the day he died the prior year, but was received on February 14th, Valentine's Day.

If you can't read it, it says:

Dear Bridgett,

Thank you for being you. Kent loved you immensely.  You made him extremely happy. You gave him three wonderful sons who made him even happier. God bless you.

Sincerely, with love,

Name Withheld

Valentine's Day will always be the day after Kent was called to his eternal home which compounds the reminder of my loss. It was a blessing to receive this note on a day of really missing him!

Remembering Kent

Even though it's been two years since Kent went to his eternal home in Heaven, my heart is still grieving. In remembering him, this partial entry by Lettie Cowman, a widow herself, in her classic devotional Consolation speaks to my heart:

[H]eart stricken mourner, He knows the grief and anguish you feel; He knows the desolations of your spirit and its yearnings after a solace the world cannot give!

Go the grave of your beloved one; but as you go let not your tears so blind you, neither so hang down your head that you may not see that Jesus has come to sustain you. Hear His gracious voice from beside the tomb, "I am the resurrection and the life."

Your husband is not dead. His believing soul lived with Christ here, now lives with Christ in Heaven and his Christian dust is sleeping sweetly until He shall rise, immortal, glorious and incorruptible at the resurrection of the last day. All your love, watching and anxious nursing could not save him from [sickness, suffering] and the tomb; but the love of Jesus has delivered him from all and taken him up to that sinless home where there "shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things have passed away".

Here you were united in a better than an earthly love, the love of Christ, and in that love you are and shall be united forever. Look, then, beyond the scene of your mortal grief to the home of your perpetual bliss. Christ has lain in the tomb and sweetened it for the sleep of His beloved and yours; but as you stoop to see within the sepulchre see not that it is broken and that the uprising Master has opened a way through it, up through the rent veil, up through the everlasting doors to the paradise of God! There seek to follow and when you draw near the celestial band you will find waiting to welcome you one more radiant than an angel in whose transfigured countenance you will recognize him you have not lost but who has gone before you to our Father's house.

I miss my husband and my sons miss their father, but it's an incredible comfort to know we'll be reunited with him in Heaven. In the meantime, though, God is continuing to sustain and bless us as we continue to heal from our loss.

A New Year

As I sit here in a comfy chair, snug in a throw blanket with my laptop and a cup of hot tea with honey, close to midnight on New Year's Eve, I think back on 2010. For some, it was a year of gain, but, for others, it was a year of loss.

In thinking about the loss of my husband and best friend, my sons' father, leader of my marriage, parenting and home, provider of my family and, ultimately, my future, I hold close to my heart Isaiah 30:18 which is "Yes, the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion." This verse carries a lot of truth in my life, because, on this continuous road of unknowns, the Lord, out of his infinite love, so graciously and compassionately carries us through the trying times of our lives whether it's challenges in our relationship with our God, spouse, children, parents, in-laws, friends, stewardship of time and money, things that hold us in bondage to sin or even grief from loss.

While we're familiar with the challenges of this life, God is faithful to sustain and bless us along the way. So, regardless of what 2011 brings us, I trust His all-sufficient grace to carry us through it to find contentment and joy as we move forward in this journey on Earth.

Happy New Year, friends!

Should You Go First

L.B. Cowman's Consolation continues to be a tremendous source of encouragement for me. This poem is from today's entry:

Should You Go First
Should you go first and I remain
  To walk the road alone,
I'll live in memory's garden, dear,
  With happy days we've known.
In Spring, I'll wait for roses red,
  In Summer - lilacs blue;
In Autumn, when the brown leaves call
  I'll catch a breath of you.

Should you go first and I remain
  For battles to be fought,
Each thing you've touched along the way
  Will be a hallowed spot.
I'll hear your voice, I'll see your smile,
  Though blindly I may grope,
The memory of your helping hand
  Will buoy me on with hope.

Should you go first and I remain
  To finish with the scroll,
No length'ning shadows shall creep in
  To make this life seem droll.
We've known so much of happiness,
  We've had our cup of joy;
Ah, memory is one gift of God
  That death cannot destroy.

Should you go first and I remain
  One thing I'd have you do:
Walk slowly down the path of death,
  For soon I'll follow you.
I'll want to know each step you take,
  That I may walk the same,
For some day down that lonely road
  You'll hear me call your name.

by A.K. Rowswell

My heart needed courage to move forward alone and God used this poem to encourage me to do so. His timing is perfect!

A Widow's Grief & Recommitment to Christ

This is today's entry in L.B. Cowman's timeless but out of print devotional Consolation:

For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. Isaiah 41:18 KJV

There is something in bereavement which makes it mean a great deal in a woman's life. It is a sore disappointment. Dreams of love's happiness are shattered. The beauty which had only begun to be realized in her home, in her wedded joy, in the development of her plans and hopes is suddenly left to wither. Very great is the sorrow when one of two lovers is taken and the other left. Widowhood is very desolate and lonely.

Just how shall she meet her perplexities. She is a Christian. She is comforted in her grief by the truth of Divine love, that her sorrow was no accident, that her bereavement was not the plan of God to break up the goodness and beauty of her life, that nothing has really gone wrong in the plan of Christ for her. But the question presses itself upon her mind. I am sure it has done so a thousand times. How am I to go on in this broken life of mine? What am I to do in my shattering bereavement? Her life is not yet finished. She is only a girl in years. She may live, she probably will live, forty years or more. What does Christ want her to do with her broken life?

God's plan for her was not spoiled when her sorrow came interrupting everything leaving her in darkness. The sorrow was not a surprise to God, and His plan for her life runs on to the end of her years. What the remainder of the plan is she does not know for the present. She must not know. Her faith must not fail; she must not despair. She must go on in faith and confidence. Believe that all these broken things are in His hands. "Gather up the broken pieces that remain that nothing be lost," is what Christ is saying to her today. Let her gather up the broken pieces from this miracle of love and happiness. Let her keep all the fragments.

The next thing is for her to recommit her life, with its grief, its desolation, its broken things, all to Christ. She must not undertake to rebuild it. She must not make plans of her own for the years to come. She must let Christ lead her, let Him plan for her, mark out the way. He must build the life for her. He must have much of the love she has to give. Be brave dear soul! God's help is near! Dr. Miller

Oh, does this speak to my heart!

Our Loved Ones There

For today's date in L.B. Cowman's classic devotional Consolation, there's a short but beautiful and encouraging poem that resonates with the hearts of those about to lose a spouse:

"Bid me good-bye now,
As going at night to my room:
If I may, I will open the door, love,
And call to you out of the gloom.

If I may not, the Lord is our keeper,
And still we are both in His care,
You on Earth, I in Heaven, both guarded,
Both safe, till you follow me there."

by Alfred Norris

It's so comforting to know that death isn't goodbye for Christians but, rather, a temporary separation until we are reunited again in Heaven. I've been missing Kent a lot lately, so I'm thankful for this reminder today.

On your mark, get set, go!

It was an overcast morning in Chicago, but, despite this, it was great weather for the American Brain Tumor Association's 5th annual Path to Progress 5K walk/strut/run.

I met some survivors and caregivers with amazing stories as well as family and friends of those that have lost their battle. Also, after a few years of communicating primarily through YASG, a message board for brain cancer . . . specifically glioblastoma multiforme (also known as GBM IV or Stage 4), and now Facebook, I met two ladies from Texas and Virginia that lost their husbands and another lady from Iowa that lost her sister. We actually spent the afternoon and evening together which was a time of tears and laughter. No one understands the trial of brain cancer and the grief of losing someone to it like those who have traveled the same road, so it was a healthy part of our healing process.

This year's event was the largest and most successful yet with over 6,000 runners, strutters and walkers, volunteers and supporters raising over $750,000 for research to treat, prevent and cure brain tumors. My team, Hearts for Heads, contributed over $3,600.

God blessed this event and me in many ways and it was a privilege to participate in such a worthy cause. Thank you to those of you that participated with me by running, strutting or walking, donating and praying. I look forward to doing this in memory of Kent and others again next year!

Camp Widow

Camp Widow, an annual gathering of widows from around the country and all walks of life hosted by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation, is August 6 - 8 at the Marriott Hotel and Marina in San Diego, California. It's a weekend of hearing keynote speakers and participating in workshops with others who understand the life altering experience of widowhood. Check it out!

The Gift of Widowhood & Single Parenting

I have a gift no one wants: widowhood at 36-years-old. While I don't like being referred to as a widow, I've had to identify myself as one on a slew of forms since Kent died . . . so much so that it's made my lot in life really hit home.

I've been reminding myself that everything from God is a gift . . . even my widowhood and subsequent single parenting. God gives us gifts that we don't ask for or even want, and, sometimes, they're gifts that can't be returned or re-gifted . . . but, nonetheless, they're gifts out of His infinite love to teach and grow us in our walk with Christ while drawing us closer to Himself.

I've also been reminding myself of God's goodness. God does not make mistakes with what He allows in our life, so He is good all the time. Because of this, I can trust His plan for my life, though I may not always understand it. Even though some of His gifts can hurt, we have to trust that, in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

I once thought brain cancer interrupted my life, but it's been a part of God's good and perfect plan for my life all along. My widowhood IS a gift; what I do with this gift is up to me.

Mother's Day

I'm overwhelmed with my life these days. Mothering my three sons in particular is challenging, because my parenting partner isn't here anymore. Most of my days are long and exhausting, because there simply isn't enough time to get everything checked off of my list of things to do which leaves me constantly seeking balance in what I do for my boys with what I do with them. It can be frustrating! Despite this though, I'm thankful for the privilege to be their mother. They're gifts! Even though it's bittersweet sometimes, the blessing of mothering them has made widowhood a little easier to endure, because they encourage me to persevere through life while making it interesting and fun.