Valentine's Day

I keep this note in my Bible. A close friend of many years mailed it to me last year in remembrance of Kent. It was postmarked February 13th, the day he died the prior year, but was received on February 14th, Valentine's Day.

If you can't read it, it says:

Dear Bridgett,

Thank you for being you. Kent loved you immensely.  You made him extremely happy. You gave him three wonderful sons who made him even happier. God bless you.

Sincerely, with love,

Name Withheld

Valentine's Day will always be the day after Kent was called to his eternal home which compounds the reminder of my loss. It was a blessing to receive this note on a day of really missing him!

Remembering Kent

Even though it's been two years since Kent went to his eternal home in Heaven, my heart is still grieving. In remembering him, this partial entry by Lettie Cowman, a widow herself, in her classic devotional Consolation speaks to my heart:

[H]eart stricken mourner, He knows the grief and anguish you feel; He knows the desolations of your spirit and its yearnings after a solace the world cannot give!

Go the grave of your beloved one; but as you go let not your tears so blind you, neither so hang down your head that you may not see that Jesus has come to sustain you. Hear His gracious voice from beside the tomb, "I am the resurrection and the life."

Your husband is not dead. His believing soul lived with Christ here, now lives with Christ in Heaven and his Christian dust is sleeping sweetly until He shall rise, immortal, glorious and incorruptible at the resurrection of the last day. All your love, watching and anxious nursing could not save him from [sickness, suffering] and the tomb; but the love of Jesus has delivered him from all and taken him up to that sinless home where there "shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things have passed away".

Here you were united in a better than an earthly love, the love of Christ, and in that love you are and shall be united forever. Look, then, beyond the scene of your mortal grief to the home of your perpetual bliss. Christ has lain in the tomb and sweetened it for the sleep of His beloved and yours; but as you stoop to see within the sepulchre see not that it is broken and that the uprising Master has opened a way through it, up through the rent veil, up through the everlasting doors to the paradise of God! There seek to follow and when you draw near the celestial band you will find waiting to welcome you one more radiant than an angel in whose transfigured countenance you will recognize him you have not lost but who has gone before you to our Father's house.

I miss my husband and my sons miss their father, but it's an incredible comfort to know we'll be reunited with him in Heaven. In the meantime, though, God is continuing to sustain and bless us as we continue to heal from our loss.

A New Year

As I sit here in a comfy chair, snug in a throw blanket with my laptop and a cup of hot tea with honey, close to midnight on New Year's Eve, I think back on 2010. For some, it was a year of gain, but, for others, it was a year of loss.

In thinking about the loss of my husband and best friend, my sons' father, leader of my marriage, parenting and home, provider of my family and, ultimately, my future, I hold close to my heart Isaiah 30:18 which is "Yes, the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion." This verse carries a lot of truth in my life, because, on this continuous road of unknowns, the Lord, out of his infinite love, so graciously and compassionately carries us through the trying times of our lives whether it's challenges in our relationship with our God, spouse, children, parents, in-laws, friends, stewardship of time and money, things that hold us in bondage to sin or even grief from loss.

While we're familiar with the challenges of this life, God is faithful to sustain and bless us along the way. So, regardless of what 2011 brings us, I trust His all-sufficient grace to carry us through it to find contentment and joy as we move forward in this journey on Earth.

Happy New Year, friends!

Remembering 10/21/00

[B]etter to have loved and lost [t]han never to have loved at all, Alfred Lord Tennyson. 

Today would've been my and Kent's 10th wedding anniversary. We had a healthy Christ-centered marriage, but it wasn't perfect. The beauty of our love, though, was that we loved each other in our imperfections . . . just like Jesus loves us. I miss him and our life, but I'm thankful for the eight years we were married.

ABCs

I read this poem at Widow's Christian Place and it really resonated with my heart:

ABCs

Although things are not perfect

Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
GOD is forever able
Hold on to what you know

Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee

Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone

Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command

Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there will be good times,
and yes, some will be bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...
where none are ever sad!

by Cindy Blackamore

What a comfort and encouragement for strength to get through each day!

Should You Go First

L.B. Cowman's Consolation continues to be a tremendous source of encouragement for me. This poem is from today's entry:

Should You Go First
Should you go first and I remain
  To walk the road alone,
I'll live in memory's garden, dear,
  With happy days we've known.
In Spring, I'll wait for roses red,
  In Summer - lilacs blue;
In Autumn, when the brown leaves call
  I'll catch a breath of you.

Should you go first and I remain
  For battles to be fought,
Each thing you've touched along the way
  Will be a hallowed spot.
I'll hear your voice, I'll see your smile,
  Though blindly I may grope,
The memory of your helping hand
  Will buoy me on with hope.

Should you go first and I remain
  To finish with the scroll,
No length'ning shadows shall creep in
  To make this life seem droll.
We've known so much of happiness,
  We've had our cup of joy;
Ah, memory is one gift of God
  That death cannot destroy.

Should you go first and I remain
  One thing I'd have you do:
Walk slowly down the path of death,
  For soon I'll follow you.
I'll want to know each step you take,
  That I may walk the same,
For some day down that lonely road
  You'll hear me call your name.

by A.K. Rowswell

My heart needed courage to move forward alone and God used this poem to encourage me to do so. His timing is perfect!

Grief Share

Do you know about Grief Share? It's a community of people that helps those who have lost a loved one heal from their loss by connecting them to support groups, seminars, personal studies and books. There's even a daily devotional, A Season of Grief, that is free via e-mail. I like starting my day with a hot cup of coffee and a comforting and encouraging e-mail from them in my in-box. Check it out!

A Solitary Way

I'm far from alone at church, but it's where I feel lonely more than anywhere else. I miss walking into the building as a family of five, having help dropping off and picking up the boys in their Sunday School rooms, sitting next to someone during the service and talking about the message on the way home. I even miss being a passenger in our truck! I may look and sound okay, but my heart is still hurting.

Miriam Neff, a widow, author and speaker, once said "loneliness is not descriptive enough of the space that becomes the cocoon of the widow". This is so true.

This poem is from today's entry in L.B. Cowman's Consolation:

A Solitary Way

There is a mystery in human hearts;
And though we be encircled by a host
Of those who love us well, and are beloved,
To every one of us, from time to time,
There comes a sense of utter loneliness:
Our dearest friend is stranger to our joy,
And cannot realize our bitterness.
There is not one who really understands,
Not one to enter into all I feel:
Such is the cry of each of us in turn;
We wander in a solitary way.
No matter what or where our lot may be;
Each heart, mysterious even to itself,
Must live its inner life in solitude.

And would you know the reason why this is?
It is because the Lord desires our love:
In every heart He wishes to be first.
He therefore keeps the secret key Himself,
To open all its chambers and to bless
With perfect sympathy and holy peace,
Each solitary soul that comes to Him.
So when we feel this loneliness, it is
The voice of Jesus saying, "Come to me";
And every time we are not understood,
It is a call to us to come again;
For Christ alone can satisfy the soul,
And those who walk with Him from day to day,
Can never have a solitary way.

And when beneath some heavy cross you faint,
And say, I cannot bear this load alone,
You say the truth. Christ made it purposely
So heavy that you must return to Him.
The bitter grief, which no one understands,
Conveys a secret message from the King,
Entreating you to come to Him again.
The Man of Sorrows understands it well;
In all points tempted, He can feel with you.
You cannot come too often, or two near -
The Son of God is infinite in grace,
His presence satisfies the longing soul,
And those who walk with Him from day to day,
Can never have a solitary way.

This poem came at a time when my heart desperately needed to be comforted and encouraged in my loneliness.

Loneliness is a gift. It's a nudge to assess and possibly re-align the priorities in our walk with Christ and it can draw us into a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him. It's so comforting and encouraging to know I can find in Jesus what I can't find in anyone else.

Our Hope in Christ

This is today's entry in L.B. Cowman's Consolation, a timeless devotional that ministers to the hearts of those that have lost a loved one.

For the Lord Himself shall descend from Heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first. Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
1 Thessalonians 4:16-17

Those who died in Christ shall be forever reunited with us who wait for Him and them. They shall come with Him. "God will bring them." We, on the other hand, if we are living at the supreme moment, shall be changed and caught up to meet Him, and then, all one in Christ, we shall be forever with Him to go out no more forever.

Wherefore comfort one another with these words
1 Thessalonians 4:18

Sometimes you went away
For just a little while,
And I could scarcely wait
To see again your smile.
I listened for your step,
My hand was on the door,
And what a joy it was
To have you back once more.

One day you said "Goodbye,"
And went to see the King,
His beauty to behold
And precious sheaves to bring;
In eagerness I wait
The while I feel my lack.
I'm looking hour by hour
To see you both come back.

by Edith L. Mapes

Mrs. Cowman is a widow herself and has quite a gift of ministering to the grieving hearts of other widows. These verses are so comforting and encouraging. In fact, two verses preceeding these three are on Kent's head marker though in the NIV version:

Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

I'm so thankful for the hope of eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ! Even though our hearts grieve the loss of those that leave this earth to join their Lord and Savior before us, we know we'll see them again.

Father's Day

Kent highly valued the calling of fatherhood, one of God's highest responsibilities for man. When I think of him as a father, Ephesians 6:4 comes to my mind which tells fathers to bring their children up in the ways of the Lord. He believed the goal of a Christian father's life with his children should be to instruct and discipline them according to God's Word all the while striving to serve as an example of how to live a life that glorifies God. Kent did this very well.

While Father's Day and all the hype surrounding it is a painful reminder that Kent isn't here anymore, I'm thankful for the seven years he was a father to our sons and the legacy he has left behind. I'm also thankful for my dad, step-dad and father-in-law and their investment in my sons' lives. Most of all though, I'm thankful for our Heavenly Father and His faithfulness to His promise to uphold the fatherless and widows (Psalm 146:9).

The purple cone flowers (or echinacea) from the gardens around our house that Kent started in the summer of 2005 bloomed early this year, so, after church this morning, we went to the cemetery to put some in the vase at his grave. Later in the afternoon, we enjoyed steaks and homemade strawberry ice cream.

A Widow's Grief & Recommitment to Christ

This is today's entry in L.B. Cowman's timeless but out of print devotional Consolation:

For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. Isaiah 41:18 KJV

There is something in bereavement which makes it mean a great deal in a woman's life. It is a sore disappointment. Dreams of love's happiness are shattered. The beauty which had only begun to be realized in her home, in her wedded joy, in the development of her plans and hopes is suddenly left to wither. Very great is the sorrow when one of two lovers is taken and the other left. Widowhood is very desolate and lonely.

Just how shall she meet her perplexities. She is a Christian. She is comforted in her grief by the truth of Divine love, that her sorrow was no accident, that her bereavement was not the plan of God to break up the goodness and beauty of her life, that nothing has really gone wrong in the plan of Christ for her. But the question presses itself upon her mind. I am sure it has done so a thousand times. How am I to go on in this broken life of mine? What am I to do in my shattering bereavement? Her life is not yet finished. She is only a girl in years. She may live, she probably will live, forty years or more. What does Christ want her to do with her broken life?

God's plan for her was not spoiled when her sorrow came interrupting everything leaving her in darkness. The sorrow was not a surprise to God, and His plan for her life runs on to the end of her years. What the remainder of the plan is she does not know for the present. She must not know. Her faith must not fail; she must not despair. She must go on in faith and confidence. Believe that all these broken things are in His hands. "Gather up the broken pieces that remain that nothing be lost," is what Christ is saying to her today. Let her gather up the broken pieces from this miracle of love and happiness. Let her keep all the fragments.

The next thing is for her to recommit her life, with its grief, its desolation, its broken things, all to Christ. She must not undertake to rebuild it. She must not make plans of her own for the years to come. She must let Christ lead her, let Him plan for her, mark out the way. He must build the life for her. He must have much of the love she has to give. Be brave dear soul! God's help is near! Dr. Miller

Oh, does this speak to my heart!

Our Loved Ones There

For today's date in L.B. Cowman's classic devotional Consolation, there's a short but beautiful and encouraging poem that resonates with the hearts of those about to lose a spouse:

"Bid me good-bye now,
As going at night to my room:
If I may, I will open the door, love,
And call to you out of the gloom.

If I may not, the Lord is our keeper,
And still we are both in His care,
You on Earth, I in Heaven, both guarded,
Both safe, till you follow me there."

by Alfred Norris

It's so comforting to know that death isn't goodbye for Christians but, rather, a temporary separation until we are reunited again in Heaven. I've been missing Kent a lot lately, so I'm thankful for this reminder today.

On your mark, get set, go!

It was an overcast morning in Chicago, but, despite this, it was great weather for the American Brain Tumor Association's 5th annual Path to Progress 5K walk/strut/run.

I met some survivors and caregivers with amazing stories as well as family and friends of those that have lost their battle. Also, after a few years of communicating primarily through YASG, a message board for brain cancer . . . specifically glioblastoma multiforme (also known as GBM IV or Stage 4), and now Facebook, I met two ladies from Texas and Virginia that lost their husbands and another lady from Iowa that lost her sister. We actually spent the afternoon and evening together which was a time of tears and laughter. No one understands the trial of brain cancer and the grief of losing someone to it like those who have traveled the same road, so it was a healthy part of our healing process.

This year's event was the largest and most successful yet with over 6,000 runners, strutters and walkers, volunteers and supporters raising over $750,000 for research to treat, prevent and cure brain tumors. My team, Hearts for Heads, contributed over $3,600.

God blessed this event and me in many ways and it was a privilege to participate in such a worthy cause. Thank you to those of you that participated with me by running, strutting or walking, donating and praying. I look forward to doing this in memory of Kent and others again next year!

Camp Widow

Camp Widow, an annual gathering of widows from around the country and all walks of life hosted by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation, is August 6 - 8 at the Marriott Hotel and Marina in San Diego, California. It's a weekend of hearing keynote speakers and participating in workshops with others who understand the life altering experience of widowhood. Check it out!

The Gift of Widowhood & Single Parenting

I have a gift no one wants: widowhood at 36-years-old. While I don't like being referred to as a widow, I've had to identify myself as one on a slew of forms since Kent died . . . so much so that it's made my lot in life really hit home.

I've been reminding myself that everything from God is a gift . . . even my widowhood and subsequent single parenting. God gives us gifts that we don't ask for or even want, and, sometimes, they're gifts that can't be returned or re-gifted . . . but, nonetheless, they're gifts out of His infinite love to teach and grow us in our walk with Christ while drawing us closer to Himself.

I've also been reminding myself of God's goodness. God does not make mistakes with what He allows in our life, so He is good all the time. Because of this, I can trust His plan for my life, though I may not always understand it. Even though some of His gifts can hurt, we have to trust that, in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

I once thought brain cancer interrupted my life, but it's been a part of God's good and perfect plan for my life all along. My widowhood IS a gift; what I do with this gift is up to me.

God is in Every Tomorrow

I received one of LB Cowman's devotionals, Streams in the Desert, this past Christmas, and this beautiful poem from January 14th has been quite a comfort and encouragement to me:

God is in every tomorrow,
Therefore I live for today,
Certain of finding at sunrise,
Guidance and strength for the way;
Power for each moment of weakness,
Hope for each moment of pain,
Comfort for every sorrow,
Sunshine and joy after rain.

by FB Meyer

Life Goes On

When Kent's sister went home to Washington after staying with us in Indiana for a month to help me care for Kent and our boys, I cried. After a few months of constantly having the presence of someone else in our house with us, we were on our own to figure out life without a husband and father. I wanted to stay in bed, because I wasn't thinking when I was sleeping. I felt like my life had stopped, but it hadn't. My sons still had to be cared for and bills still had to be paid. Robert Frost once said, "In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." This is so true.

Let the tears fall!

My grieving process has, more times than not, left me in a puddle of tears. Tears reveal our humanity and the frailty of our human hearts especially when we suffer from a tremendous loss. While I don't want to wallow in my grief, I believe crying is one of the healthiest outlets for it. Joyce Landorf Heatherley, author of the Mourning Song, even says, "Crying is a natural part of the grieving process." It removes toxins, reduces tensions and increases the body's ability to heal itself, so let the tears fall!

10 Lessons I've Learned About Grieving

1) There isn't a detour around it even if it's delayed.

2) There isn't a right or wrong way to do it.

3) It's wise to share with family and friends the way in which we plan to do it.

4) People do it at their own pace.

5) It can be all-consuming happening at the most unexpected, inopportune times.

6) Guilt and regret are a natural part of it.

7) There's loneliness but not aloneness in it.

8) There's joy in it, but it can be dampened by a deep sadness.

9) It leaves a scar.

10) It's a tool by which to glorify God and grow in Christ's likeness.